September 15, 2011 - My appointment with my gynecologist was 1:30 on this day so I left work and got to the office and check-in and am handed my folder to take to the waiting room which was normal practice for my doctor's office. On the way around the hall, I noticed a report paper clipped to the front of the folder so when I sat down I flipped the front page up and determined it was my pathology report. I immediately saw the word carcinoma and I threw the folder down on the seat beside me as if I had just seen a snake. My heart raised and I remembered letting my head fall back against the wall ... thinking No Lord No, don't let this be true. I gather enough courage to pick the folder back up and flip up that cover page and there it was ... all three lesions were cancerous. About that time, the nurse came around the corner and took the file and said, "How are you today?" I remember saying, "I was better before I read that report". She said, "you didn't know?" I told her no and she apologized profusely. Of course my blood pressure was off the chart that day. She immediately roomed me where I sat all alone with 50 gillion thoughts running through my head yet none of them made sense. It was a jumble of thoughts, a mish-mash and my whole body wanted to scream but there were no words that would come out. When the doctor came in my room, he apologized for the way I had found out and we talked. He said he would suggest surgeons and oncologists but I had already talked to my sister about the possibility of me having cancer and who to use. I firmly stated who I wanted as my surgeon and who I thought I wanted as my oncologist at the time and told him, I needed his help. He was the doctor and he had the clout. He assured me he would do everything in his power. By the time I was dressed and out in the hall, he had made me an appointment with my selected surgeon for the following week. The next day his nurse had me an appointment with the oncologist I thought I wanted to use. Things changed in that area and I am thankful God put my oncologist in my path on this journey.
I left the doctor’s office and got in my car. Numb is a good word to describe the way I felt. I remember looking at the trees and how green they appeared and oh yea, that job that I have, all of a sudden it didn’t seem so bad. Grandbabies … wait they have to get old enough to know me. I want them to know who I am, I want them to laugh at me and with me, I want to play with them for years. STOP, make it go away.
My sister left work early to come home and my girls … oh my girls. My heart broke at the thought of having to tell my girls. They had both called several times and had text me anxiously awaiting the results of the biopsy. All I could do was text them and ask them to just come straight home to my house which I know scared them to death.
It was a tough night for all of us. My incredible son-in-law picked up both the babies from day care and came over. He went and got us dinner and we all sat around the table in that all too familiar family way and chatted. There were tears as well as laughter.
I said that day ... Today I cry, tomorrow I fight. And that's exactly what I've done... however, not alone. God has carried me through my tougher days and held my hand and whispered His all too calming words "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth". Psalm 46:10 He is my awesome Father who has lit my path for this journey, He guides me through my toughest days, He calms my fears.
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