Have You Ever Felt Ashamed?

I hope that when you read my blog posts you NEVER think I think I am perfect because I am so far from it you need binoculars to even see me.  I pray everyday for a positive attitude when the tiny things in life sneak in and want to ruin my day ... oh, wait it's not tiny things it's the devil.

In answer to today's blog post title ... YES, I have felt ashamed and just this morning as a matter of fact.  Follow me now with my chain of events.  Last night I was backing my Highlander in the garage (NOTE:  I do that because there's not enough room on the side for me to pull in forward) anyway ... back to my story ... I was backing my Highlander in the garage and my daughter gets home and out of habit hits her garage door opener.  Do you know the sound that is made when the big oversized garage door hits the luggage rack on top of your car?  I slammed on my brakes thinking I had hit the brick wall on the other side of the garage.  Needless to say I knew the garage door hit my car but my daughter swore that it didn't.  I got the step ladder out this morning and yes, it did.  Thankfully though it hit the luggage rack and not the back window.  Moving on ... The next event was missing 3 1/2 hours of sleep during the night ... this was not a party-hardy type of missing sleep ... it was a beyond my control loss of sleep.  When I got back to sleep about 3:00am, someone text me at 6:00am this morning with the message ... Call again.  HELLO! You obviously were on the wrong person to text this to because I was ASLEEP and did not call you.  Dutifully I got up and called and guess what?  NO answer because I'm sure the right person ... called AGAIN.  Now let me explain about me losing sleep ... loss of sleep doesn't necessarily make me grumpy ... loss of sleep for me has a tendency to give me a migraine and vertigo which I had both going on this morning.  Being tired isn't a big deal ... aren't we all just a little tired every now and again?   Anyway, this morning you would not have seen the 'happy' side of me ... not that I was too terribly grumpy ... just hard to find that smile.

I go to the Saturday 4:00pm church service at Gateway Church so my Sunday mornings are my planning time for meals for the week and grocery buying.  I have to tell you that I did NOT want to do this task this morning, however, I knew I would greatly regret it if I didn't.


So I sat staring at my paper at the kitchen table and thought ... dinner, dinner, dinner ... what sounds good this week.  When you're grumpy, nothing sounds good, let me tell you.  <smiling>  Oh one other little caveat I forgot to mention ... I didn't have any Coffee Mate for my coffee this morning and I had to use milk which I detest in my coffee.  Dinner .... dinner ... dinner ... I started going back through previous weekly menus and came up with enough for the week.

 I didn't need any meat except turkey sausage for the Calzones for Wednesday night and that was a good thing as I was thinking I would save money.  Well I spent $20 more today than last week when I had to buy meat.  Go figure ... <smile>

As I was shopping, my conscience got going about the post I had put on FB this morning about lacking sleep and asking God to be with me this day and to please keep His hand over my mouth ... I stopped right there on the cereal aisle, got my phone out and deleted that post.  I'm so glad I did.  Read on and you will find out why.

After walking all the way to the other side of the store to get the one item on my list which I had forgotten (ugggghhhh)  I headed to the check out.  Early morning shopping is great, no customers but it also means that Kroger didn't have their full compliment of checkers either.  So I get in line 8 which looked as long as line 10 (there were only 2 checkers), however, a Kroger lady told me to move to line 10 as it was shorter.  The last time I looked it was the same but now it was shorter. (Thank you Kroger lady)   I listened to the checker who told the lady in front of me she had saved I think the guy said $30 on her purchases and I thought what the heck ... how did she do that?  I didn't ask nor did I ask her where she got the cute shoes she had on that looked so comfortable.  That lady gets finished and leaves and now it's my turn ... I move up to the counter where Matt is checking and Donald is bagging.  This is where my shame came in.  I'm grumpy because my sleep was interrupted and cut short, and I look and Donald, my sacker, he has NO  hands.  Do you know how ashamed I felt for being such a grump?  Probably not but let me tell you ... I was ashamed of myself.  I watched him bag my groceries without hands and how he stacked my 10 containers of yogurt up and put them in the bag ... two by two ... and of course, I got to talking to him.  He was a young guy ... probably under 20 years old... and here he was happy as a lark and he wasn't grumpy and if you ask me, he had a reason to be.

Now if you have been reading my blog since it's beginning and you have ever thought I make some of the things I write about up ... I don't.  I'm not saying <laughing> that I am beyond making up stuff <laughing> but I do not make these things up.  This stuff happens to me.  I got to thinking as I walked to my car how much of a message/blessing I would have missed from God if that Kroger lady hadn't come along and told me to move to line 10 ... which was indeed shorter than line 8.  I would like to challenge you today ... If you are feeling grumpy and put out with your situation or someone, think about Donald, the sacker, at Kroger who has no hands.  Maybe that will put things in perspective for you  ... it did me.

I wanted to share a little tip that I got from my friend, Greta, about a year ago.  If you've read my blog for a year, you might remember after I got out of surgery for my 'breast reduction' (mastectomy) I wanted Dr. Pepper.  I could not get enough Dr. Pepper and a side note ... I was not necessarily a Dr. Pepper drinker.  Anyway, when Greta brought food over after I got home, she also brought me some Dr. Pepper ... now sometimes I have to tell you that I am not the brightest bulb in the box ... but I never thought about this.  You know how you get those drinks with that plastic stuff around each can/bottle and you fight to stretch that stuff out in order to get your drink out ... well Greta shared that she cuts that plastic with scissors instead of fighting to get the drinks out.  DUHHHH Gena ... the light bulb came on.  HELLO!  <laughing)

Above:  If you are trying to figure out what's
on that place mat (and I'm sure you are... right) there are two
of them ... a chicken picture with another place mat
on top of it that has Tinker Bell on it.  The plastic
placemats are good for the toddlers that eat a Grammy's house. 

These are not Dr. Peppers ... they are Cokes.  *** Thanks Patti, you know what I'm talking about.  <smile>  Since the Dr. Pepper phase, I've been through a Sprite phase and now I'm going through a Coke phase.  These are the 7 oz cans too because ... well just because I don't like to see things wasted and I don't like to waste ... so I figure we can drink 7 oz of something.  And they are not diet ... I do not drink diet drinks since my diagnosis.  I mean what's a little sugar, right?  <smile>

Last Friday I went to a luncheon at The Center where I dined with several women who have either gone through or going through breast cancer.  Every time I attend one of these luncheons, my life is blessed.  This luncheon is called ... Simply the Breast ...

Do you see the smiles on our faces ... we hug on each other, we share our stories and we eat.
Phillipians 4:13 ... I can do all this through Christ who strengthens me.  

I hope you didn't wake up grumpy like me but if you did, remember, there is always someone out there who has it much worse.  Open your eyes to see ... God will show you just like He did me this morning at the Kroger in North Richland Hills.  Thank you Father for eyes to see Your many blessings that You bestow on me.

Blessed and thankful to be here ...  after all what's a little scratch (ok, maybe it's a little bigger than a little scratch) or some lost sleep.  Praying blessings for you too.

genam44@charter.net

September 15, 2011

The Day My Journey Began …. 

One year ago today, my breast cancer journey began.  Remember the saying … You can’t see the forest for the trees?  Well that’s where I was on September 15, 2011, the day I got my diagnosis that I had bilateral breast cancer.  My world turned dark for a while that day.  There was an ache that racked my soul.  It was like someone was telling a horror story and I was the main character but I had not even auditioned.  The tears flowed from the bowels of my inner being.  I wanted to scream but there no words coming out of my mouth.  Yet all the while, I felt someone holding me and whispering … It’s going to be OK.  I am here with you and I will never leave you.  That someone was our awesome God and He was holding me while He spoke His words ever so gently to me as He caressed my soul.   Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.   With family gathered around me and the initial shock of the diagnosis was starting to sink in … I said … Today I cry and tomorrow I fight … and that’s what I have done since that dark day of September 15, 2011. 

The days and weeks ahead were hard … first of all, one of the hardest facts was that I knew I had cancer growing in my body and I wanted it out.  It was difficult … when you have cancer all you want is to get it out of your body.  But first there are many things that have to happen.  I was blessed with a sister who is a nurse and knew all the best doctors that I would need.  She accompanied me to all the doctor appointments because it is very true when they tell a cancer patient … Be sure and take someone with you to your appointments because you will listen but you will not hear.  Surgery for my bilateral mastectomy was set for the morning of October 18, 2011.  That was a glorious day for me … it meant the cancer would be gone. 

October 18, 2011, came around and at the door to the surgery room before I was whisk away by my sweet driver (gurney driver that is) ... my family stood lined up and one by one hugged and kissed me and told me they loved me.  My heart ached as I knew how bad they were hurting and how much they didn’t want me to be going through this.  They held me tight and they cried.  They left me bravely at that door that day, no one but God knew what the outcome would be.  They waited patiently (OK, well maybe not patiently because it took about two hours longer than the surgeon originally told them).  As it turns out, my surgery took about five hours.  Now being under (put to sleep) that long, has a tendency to make one look pretty bad.  My girls didn’t care, they wanted a picture with me with them when I came out, so here’s a never before shown picture of me with NO makeup and out of surgery.  I’m glad they had that oxygen on me, I looked pretty bad.  

After recuperating from surgery, it was decided that I would begin my six rounds of chemo.  Thankfully I was able to get through Thanksgiving before chemo began.  I cooked and enjoyed my family for the occasion.  Monday, November 28, 2011 rolled around and my friend, Alverna, came to pick me up and away we headed for the next leg of this breast cancer journey. 

We got to The Center and my blood work proved I was good to go … take the chemo … and so we headed upstairs to the chemo room at The Center to begin this venture.  I found me a chair and Alverna got the chair next to me and I was plugged up … one drug at a time until all three bags of the drugs could drip into my body during the next 3 ½ to 4 hours.  

And so it began … the six rounds of chemo.  I continue to this day to Praise God that I didn’t get throw-up sick while taking the chemo.  I had my issues and still have a few today but at least I didn’t throw up.  You see if you look hard enough … there will always be something that you can be thankful for … you just have to look for it. 

Sometime after the second round of chemo, my hair began to fall out and I mourned.  It’s like I said … No matter how you cut the hair pie, a woman will mourn the loss of her hair and so it was … I mourned.  My first hair cut (thank you sweet sister-in-law) was a spikey number.  The cut was OK with me … I still had hair. 

 And after the second round of chemo, it was inevitable that I was losing the remainder of my hair.  The one thing that I had control over through this whole journey was cutting my hair off.  One evening, my girls and I headed in to the bathroom with my son-in-laws clippers and ready to buzz the rest of my hair off.  My youngest daughter, Bonnie, had the clippers in her hand and said … Mom, I can’t do it.  That was OK, I totally understood.  My oldest daughter, Alicia, said … Give me the clippers, I can!  <laughing>  And she did.  By the end of the buzzing, Bonnie was able to help clean up a few loose hairs that Alicia had missed.  My son-in-law headed into Braxton’s room and shut the door.  He said he didn’t want to see us cry … but we didn’t cry, we laughed. 

Without my hair, all I had to tend to each day was my makeup.  Losing your hair is NOT the worst thing that can happen to you. 

On March 12, 2012, I took my last round of chemo and celebrated with the nurses at The Center who had taken such good care of me.  They came bearing gifts for me that day and they listened as I so genuinely thanked them for all they had done for me throughout chemo and a real plus that day was that I got a foot massage. Thank you Sandra.

On April 12, 2011, I began my 33 rounds of radiation.   I was blessed with wonderful radiation techs who talked to me, answered my endless questions and celebrated with me the day I completed my 33^rd round which was May 29, 2011.  I met Mr. Bolo, the silicon pad that was used every other day and the last five rounds I had a more concentrated dose as they used the contraption below.  And my skin burned some under my arm ... go figure ... that happens to be a part of your body that doesn't even see much sunshine.  All in all, it wasn't bad, it healed very quickly.  I still have a bit of a tan line on my chest as a reminder of the radiation.

Above:  See the cross just behind me?  God
was always with me ... displaying Himself
as the alignment box with the cross on it. 

And the day after my last round of radiation, May 30, 2011, God gave me another grand daughter, Brooklyn Leigh and I cried and celebrated. 

I have since had follow-up doctor visits with all of my doctors and will continue this for the next five years.  I feel healthy and good and am so thankful God provided me with the best medical team a girl could have.  This journey which began in the horror movie has provided me so much more than it has taken from me.  I have met so many wonderful people that I never would have met had it not been for the diagnosis.  I have had the opportunity to share and hopefully educate others on this dreadful disease.  I have grown just like the sick looking little mimosa trees I went to Arlington to buy in early spring.  See how the tree has flourished …  and so have I. 

 

My walk with God has strengthened many times over and my faith has deepened.  I see things differently … I see things the way God wants us to see them.  I lean on Him all the time and during those difficult days during this past year and even now when I was or am not able to make it on my own, He picks me up and carries me.  I am blessed beyond measure.

Something I tell new chemo patients and always told myself ... Always remember …. It’s just hair.

Thank you dear family, friends, co-workers, and all those reading my blog who I do not know for following me during this past year as I began my breast cancer journey.  I am humbled and so blessed.  I pray that I made some type of impact of educating others … even if only one person … on this dreadful disease.  It is not a death sentence … we can beat this.  God has shown His light on my life and I pray that you allow Him to shine it on yours. 

2 Samuel 22:29  You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into Light. 

Blessed and praying blessings for you today.  

genam44@charter.net

Friday Ramblings

Have you ever felt like there is so much to do that you don't know where to begin?  Well I'm not feeling that way because I don't allow myself to feel that way anymore.  I take my life pretty much moment by moment and get accomplished what I can.  I am off work today (Praise the Lord) and doing the usual around the house.  Laundry, cleaning and watching the hummingbird who keeps coming to the feeder by my kitchen window.  This morning I share with you a few pics that I've captured.

Above:  First and foremost, look at the temperature on my patio.
This is a YEA ... 

Above:  My little feathered friend.

Above:  Hummers are very territorial and this little
guy is looking around for predators trying to
steal his nectar.

 Ecclesiates 3:1 ... To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ...

I'm happy it is time for my morning glories to bloom again.

.  

My plan this weekend is to get my gardens renewed and ready for the fall lettuce planting.  I talked to my brother this past week and he told me what I needed to do.  I'm on it!

COMING TOMORROW:  The year behind recapped... there will be pictures.

Blessed and praying blessings for you today.

genam44@charter.net

Beautiful Words Beautiful Cards

I have mentioned many times in my blog about how very thankful and appreciative I was for so many caring friends and family who sent me cards while I was recuperating from my bilateral mastectomy and on into the realms of chemo and radiation.  I read each and every one of the cards and most often shed tears over the beautiful kind words.

Since God has brought me through the dark valleys of surgery and treatment, I have been reciprocating the card sending and get such a blessing as I send cards to others.  It is my belief that our society has gotten too far away from the 'old ways' of communication like sending letters and cards.  I want it to some of the 'old ways' to come back.  I want to make people feel as special as they really and encourage folks.

Recently I was blessed when I received several free cards from Dayspring.  Cards have always blessed my life as in the words from one of the Daysping cards reads ... Blessed are the givers ... and grateful are the receivers.  God's blessing makes life rich.  Proverbs 10:22   Dayspring was kind enough to share their cards with me so that I can continue to share with others.  And recently I was able to share three of the precious birthday cards that I had received from Dayspring.  I pray my sweet friends were as blessed to receive them as I was to give them.

If you are in need of some encouraging words, please visit (in)courage and bookmark it for future reference.  I am always encouraged when I visit this site.

COMING SATURDAY:  September 15, 2011 was the date of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Visit my blog for a recap of the year behind me.  Share the many blessings through my breast cancer journey.

Blessed and praying blessings for all.

genam44@charter.net

How Do We Look to God?

This past week when I was getting ready for work, I stood up and when I looked back at my lined up makeup, I thought ... Wow, that looks like a lot of stuff to make me look good ... well at least presentable.  Being of the OCD type, everything has to be lined up as I use it.  When I'm sitting there in front of that mirror, it doesn't seem like much but when I stood up and looked back, it did.  I was shocked in a sorts.  While I take time to 'fix myself up' everyday because I want to look good, I think about how God sees me.  He doesn't care if I use all this stuff on my face or that some of my eyelashes are falling out again, He cares what my heart is dressed in.  Is it dressed in the love and compassion for Him that He cares about?
Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  He loves me just the way I am and He will always love me no matter what.  He could care less if I put all this stuff on my face ... however, I know others appreciate it.  <smile>  I'm thankful today and everyday that He loves me just the way I am.

This past week was really busy ... good week I would say.  I took my volunteer paperwork to The Center and will be volunteering at special events until I can retire in three years.  I look forward to this new adventure of volunteering and the good news is ... the next two events are on my Fridays off.  What a blessing and answered prayers.

This morning I am attending the Catch the Vision class at Gateway Church to become a member.  I have prayed about this for a while and I'm excited to say that a few weeks ago, God led me to the decision to join this church.  I feel connected here and I feel the power of God in the services.  If you are looking for a church in the DFW area, please try Gateway.  If you are not in the area, visit www.gatewaypeople.com and check out the sermons.  Pastor Robert Morris is an awesome preacher who is as down to earth as they come.  Thankful this morning for this decision to join.

The Texas heat may be heading south and I cannot be more happy.  This summer has been another grueling summer of HOT HEAT... of course it is Texas.  It was 70 degrees on my patio at 5:00am this morning and there was water on the patio ... light shower I guess.  Again so thankful for this cooler weather.

Remember a while back when I ask for prayers for my friend, Mandy, who was in a bad car accident when someone ran a red light and hit her?  Mandy continues to need our prayers.  I went to see her at the hospital yesterday after to work and had an opportunity to chat with her hubby.  Mandy has had seven surgeries since the accident one month ago and really needs our prayers.  It will be a long recovery for our sweet friend and I ask that you remember her daily in your prayers.




Today I will leave you with some of the cutest grandbabies ever.

Above:  Braxton enjoying Labor Day at the lake.

Above:  Brooklyn is all smiles these days.

Above:  Madelyn with Grammy's sunglasses driving Grammy's car  in the hot garage.

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  

Blessed and praying blessings for you today.  

genam44@charter.net

My long four day weekend is coming to a close.  I have had a great time being off.  Was a little under the weather for a couple days which wasn't too much fun but I think that was due to being tired.  I hope you have had a wonderful and safe holiday.

I would like to announce .... I AM DONE WITH THIS HEAT!!!  OK, I feel much better now.  When I get in the sun for only 30 seconds, my skin feels like a zillion needles are sticking me ... and it's just when I am in the sun.  I can be hot in body temperature and it doesn't affect me that way ... it's just the sun.  I guess it's the chemo that is causing this.

That's about it for now today, I don't need to bore you with step by step weekend plans, however, I will share a few pictures below:

Above:  Braxton loves the camera.

Above:  Special Braxton and Grammy time on Saturday night.
  He let me be in the picture
with him.

Above:  Wild hair ... bed head

Above:  Cowgirl Madelyn with her
Dora pjs and boots that Uncle CoCo gave her.  

Blessed and praying blessings for you.


genam44@charter.net